Aircraft Maintenance

Perhaps you need to be a pilot or an airplane mechanic to fully appreciate the humor below, but here are entries from various aircraft maintenance "squawk" logs, which are used by pilots to communicate problems with an aircraft's systems or components to the aircraft's maintenance crew, as well as to record how the crew resolved the problem. Needless to say, the entries below must have circled the Internet millions of times already in a never-ending holding pattern....

Problem - Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

Solution - Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Problem - Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.

Solution - Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Problem - No. 2 engine seeping fluid.

Solution - No. 2 engine seepage normal.

Problem - Nos. 1, 3 and 4 engines lack normal seepage.

Problem - Something loose in cockpit.

Solution - Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem - Dead bugs on windshield.

Solution - Live bugs on backorder.

Problem - Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.

Solution - Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem - Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

Solution - Evidence removed.

Problem - DME volume unbelievably loud.

Solution - Volume set to more believable level.

Problem - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

Solution - That's what they are there for!

Problem - IFF inoperative.

Solution - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem - Suspected crack in windscreen.

Solution - Suspect you're right.

Problem - Number 3 engine missing.

Solution - Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Problem - Aircraft handles funny.

Solution - Aircraft warned to "Straighten up, fly right, and be serious."

Problem - Target radar hums.

Solution - Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Problem - Mouse in cockpit.

Solution - Cat installed.

Problem - Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

Solution - Took hammer away from midget.