Do You Dare Run for Public Office?

You've seen the clowns who run the Congress. You know that you could do a better job doing their jobs than they ever could. But there's still a nagging question whose answer is holding you back from really committing yourself to run for public office:

Should you?

The answer is that it depends. What if you have an skeleton in your closet like Alaska's Senator Ted Stevens? What if you're in 2008 Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards' alleged predicament? How might you know if now is your moment to run for office?

Sure, you could hire a political consultant who will charge way too much money to poll the public on the issue for you, but why bother with some lowlife polling hack when all you need is a tool you can anonymously use to evaluate your real chances of getting elected despite how you've lived your life?

Geek Logik's Garth Sundem summarizes the matter better than we can:

Your first consideration in choosing whether or not to run for public office should have nothing to do with your chances of actually winning. Of greater concern are the skeletons in your closet, which now may only occasionally rattle their chains but were you to run for office would burst forth to wander the night in search of human gray matter while moaning something about an "angry fix."

But how far back into your past should you go? Garth continues:

Along with your debauched exploits as an undergrad, other negative factors that should make the would-be candidate turn tail and run include: romantic partners that contradict your marital status; "creative" solutions to common financial burdens (e.g. taxes), drugs (oops! - I mean medications); and, time spent as a roadie for the Monsters of Rock tour.

Maybe you have these particular issues in your past, maybe you don't. Either way, Garth worked out the math behind these considerations for the tool below, which we're pleased to present in this political season. Just enter the indicated data to see if this is your moment or if you really shouldn't be seen anywhere near a public office. We'll have more comments below the tool....

Your Candidate Qualifications
Input Data			Values
Number of (Surviving) People That Knew You Well in College
Have You Ever Toured with a Rock Band?			No Yes Yes, and it was Phish
Current Number of Romantic Partners
Marital Status			Single In Relationship Married
Dollar Amount of Frivolous IRS Deductions per Year
Number of Offshore or Swiss Bank Accounts
Number of Times an Immediate Family Member Has Been to Rehab
Rank the Following in Their Order of Importance to You (10 = Highest)
Religion	1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10	Family	1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Sex	1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10	Golf	1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Honesty	1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10	Vacation Time	1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Personal Appearance	1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10	Speaking Your Mind	1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Your Name on a Library	1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10	The Good of the Proletariat	1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Should You Run?
Calculated Results	Values
Your Candidate Index Factor
The Bottom Line

The threshold for tipping the scales for when you should consider running for public office is a Candidate Index Factor of one or more. We provide this bit of insight so you can play with the tool to see what you might need to change in your life to qualify as a political candidate.

Speaking of which, Garth Sundem provides the final thoughts for doing this political calculus:

As we have all learned, despite a combination of such detracting factors it is still possible to hold event hte country's highest office. As long as your vices are balanced by charisma and connections, you too can tour the world reading teleprompters and vomiting on world leaders.

Indeed.