Real Medical Notes For Sale!

Time again for another edition of real medical notes augmented by real snarky comments! Let's go straight to the charts:

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

Well, okay they're changing our oil. You know how much I hate filling out the paperwork to bill the insurance company.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

No doubt in a state of shock after seeing the bill.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

[Insert Detroit joke here. Any Detroit joke.]

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

At least now we know why the man's childless. Freaking mutants from Detroit....

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

Living in Detroit, the turtle is also registered to vote.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

What! You sent her home without calling me in for a consultation? What were you thinking?!!!

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

Ah yes. Now you're thinking! But why are you taking off your right shoe?

The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.

Okay, now I'm thinking you'll be doing 15 to 20 in the big house.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

Happens all the time. Just watch your step.

The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

It's the loose eyeballs. They're rattling around, I tell you!

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

You know, in the old days, they would just "wash that man right out of their hair." Today, it's so different.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

The patient was married a pretty long time, huh?