A Memo From Management

Recently, we here at Political Calculations^(TM) noted the entry of the Class of 2005 into the workforce. To help smooth their transition into the workforce, we're passing along the following memo from company management which we recently received via e-mail:

With the arrival of summer, the management has noticed that the employees' observance of company policies and standards has become lax. We invite all employees to review the following corporate policies:

Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If, for instance, we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Leave Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal leave days a year. Employees may utilize these days every Saturday and Sunday.

Bereavement Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category".

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Breaks

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Commitment to Satisfaction

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.